This is an article by guest writer Anne.
Insight from another CBC (Canadian Born Chinese)
After having read the way Amy Chua raises her two daughters, I thought to myself how incredibly lucky I was to have been raised the way that I have been by my Taiwanese parents. I am not criticising her way (OK, maybe just a little), but I will tell you the story about how my brother and I were raised, and you can see that there are differences in a ”Chinese Upbringing”, and that there is not just one single formula.
Let me start out by briefly explaining my parents’ story of when they first came to Canada. My mother was young when she married my father; she was about 23 years old. Her mother had already passed away and she had seven siblings of which four were younger than her, so she felt the need to have to take care of them.
She started working since she was 16 years old and was continuing to do so at 23 in order to care for her family. When she finally met my father, they soon had my brother and were living a good life in Taiwan. Because they were young, my father’s mother, who was never very caring of my dad, talked them into moving to the other side of the world for a ”better life”.
My mother didn’t feel like she had the need to move elsewhere to lead a better life, since her life in Taiwan was already very good, so she refused initially. Soon after, she did think about her son and how he would have more opportunities knowing other languages and getting exposure to more diversity in Canada.
Traveling to the other side of the world
They then soon packed up their things and brought their life savings with them, moved into a humble apartment and gave all their money to my father’s mother, who promised to take care of it for them since she was already accustomed to Canada and would help them out while they stayed there.
Long story short, my paternal grandmother made my parents lives a living hell here, took all of their money, bought a piano for my cousin with it, pushed them down when they really needed help, looked down on them because they couldn’t speak English nor French, and obviously favored my cousins over my brother (I wasn’t born yet).
After a while of saturating verbal and mental abuse, my mom said enough was enough, she packed up her family and left the apartment that was introduced by my grandmother, found another place and started from scratch. She wanted so badly to go back home to Taiwan, but she didn’t want to give up. My dad soon found a very good job and so did my mother, they were both working hard, and soon after, I was born.
I was very lucky; I was born when their lives were taking a turn, they had saved up enough to buy a small house and lived very comfortably – distanced from my grandmother – both my brother and I were sent to the best bilingual private school, but my parents kept their language with us at home. This is the reason that today, both my brother and I are fluent in three languages.
A firm yet loving hand
Now flash forward a decade or two on how they continued to raise us: although my parents have kept strong to their roots and have infused a lot of typical Taiwanese culture upon my brother and I, such as sending us to piano and violin lessons, sending us to the best private schools, encouraging us to become doctors or lawyers, and going to Chinese school every Sunday, they have been very open-minded and have not forced us to do things that we did not want to do.
I now understand that all they wanted was to expose us to as many opportunities as possible and let us decide on our own whether we wanted to continue pursuing a certain path or not. We both did not continue on the path they had hoped, but we did not disappoint; we are both successful consulting professionals, we’ve each bought our own condos recently and are very well-rounded individuals, and we understand how to be independent, respectful and how to strive for success.
We got to this point, not because my parents forced us to play piano until we got a piece right, and not because we were deprived of going out to parties or not allowed to watch TV. On the contrary, we were encouraged to go to friends’ houses, we were encouraged to go on school trips – plain and simple – we were not banned from living our childhood. Life is not all about being perfect, it’s about experiences and memories; you don’t want to look back at when you were a child and say that you didn’t have any fond memories. Sometimes simple reminiscences about a childhood show can be very enlightening.
Allowing your child to aspire to their own dreams and desires
The way my parents raised me was the best they knew how, they continuously used their Taiwanese ways but also fused it with a bit of Western influence and if you ask me how I feel about it, I would have to say they did the best job they knew how and succeeded with flying colors. They’ve given us more than we can ask for, not just material-wise, but experience-wise. They brought us back to Taiwan several times already to expose us to our roots, but they’ve also brought us to many other countries to open our minds about other cultures. They taught us to use Mandarin with them at home, so we are fluent in Chinese as well as English and French. We’ve had the chance to play piano and violin, but it wasn’t for us, my parents were disappointed that we didn’t become musical prodigies, but they got over it and let us pursue what we wanted to.
I have nothing but good memories growing up with my family, and I feel very close to them; I see them very often and talk to them almost every day. They never had to impose anything on us to make us want something. My brother and I both want success for ourselves, we want to go on to higher education, and we want to have the best life we know how. This includes not only working hard, but also enjoying life, such as travelling the world, taking on hobbies, hanging out with friends, etc….
A parents’ love does not mean to whip your child into a machine, you should definitely guide them, feed them what you think is best for them, but if you have to fight to get them to do something that they are clearly not fit for, is it still love, or is it borderline torture!
I can’t say that the ”Chinese way” is superior to any other way of raising children, on this I don’t agree with Ms. Chua, for I have known many other Chinese parents that have failed with their children and many Western parents that have successfully raised their children in a different way than the Chinese way. I don’t even think Ms. Chua’s raising children is the Chinese way, it’s just a different way, but if it works for her children, then who are we to judge? All I know is that the way my parents raised me with a fusion mix of Chinese and Western influences was a good formula and that I will do the same with my own children.
This article was written by Anne, who guest-writes at Invest It Wisely from time to time.
Interesting story. Three random observations: I attend university graduations and note, with some concern along with I’m sure much of the audience, that the academic awards tend to go to foreigners by a large margin. But they don’t seem happy. Secondly, I asked a couple of Chinese students last year why they did so well in my class. They sat up front, they never missed a class and they were super attentive. Their response was that to them school was a job and they took it very seriously. Thirdly, in the academic world there is evidence that Asians do better academically than other minoirities because they study together. The older brother is at the table helping the younger sister with Algebra.
I haven’t read Ms. Chua’s book but plan to. Having heard your story will definitely add to it.
In the Chinese culture (most Asian cultures), they emphasize on studying hard, getting good grades, get a good job, make good money and be successful, though most chinese people do go through life following this formula, most of these people are not entirely happy. I did grow up hearing my parents comparing my brother and I to other Taiwanese kids who have gone into pre-med, or have become doctors. Although it’s a great accomplishment for those that really want it, I see that today, most doctors just don’t give a damn about their patients. If they were truly happy with what they were doing, they would bother to care more. I’m glad my parents didn’t force us to become doctors, even though if we did try, we probably could have gone through pre-med but then would have been miserable.
Thanks Anne for sharing your story! I agree a parent’s love is not to whip you, but to guide, feed and fight for them. It’ll be interesting if your brother does a guest post on his perspective since he went through the grandparent ordeal and sometimes siblings have different perspective on the same upbringing.
You see the families, one genius kid, one popular kid, one average kid… same parents… not implying that’s your situation =)
You are right, I didn’t think about my brother’s perspective, he would most probably agree with me, but maybe not for everything, I should ask him to look into writing a guest post too – if he ever has the time!
Anne, you should feel lucky about it. Since I’ve come back to Korea, this is one of a few things mocking me. I’ve been raised in a very typical Korean family. My parents never saw outside the country before they had me and while they were having me. So there are only a few ways to live nicely and happily to them ( when I say happiness here it has a different meaning in Korea. It always involves money) I talked over with them about my future, but they never understood me. What I wanted to do was one of the worst things they know of.
But I don’t blame them at all. It’s not their fault because we, Korean, were very poor, so we had to struggle to survive back in 1950. Nobody had such an opportunity to see other lives. But the situation here has changed rapidly in a good way. We are now rich, and started accepting other things. I think I can give better chances to my kids, so they won’t repeat my history.
Taesan, I am very lucky, but so are you. You were able to explore a life outside of the typical Korean life, you are that much more enriched in your life and now you know what your true passion is! Don’t give up the dream, even though it seems impossible now, it can still happen one day!
Wow. Thanks for sharing your story. It’s amazing how well your parents did at raising you, given their own upbringing. You sound so proud of them–I hope you let them read this. 🙂
They did good. I am very proud of them, I haven’t had them read it, but it’s a good idea!
After reading your post, I think what you experienced is just “good parenting”. It is not a particular ethnicity, it is what parents are supposed to do. Too many parents do not , because it is more work or too difficult. Some may suggest parenting classes, but all it takes a set of parents who are more interested in raising their children well.
Well said! It really shouldn’t depend on your ethnicity but plainly how parents should raise their children! Totally agree!
Let’s just not forget that only a couple of decades ago, Western families went through the same “patterns” the “Asian” ones did or still do. I remember my grandparents working so hard as a child only to have something to eat… So yes, I would say your experience is only good parenting and good thing you were able to have that!
Ya, absolutely, different upbringings shouldn’t be ethnicity-defined.
I agree. My grandmother also came to this country with nothing in the early 50s and went through an immigrant experience, except she did know a bit of the language. She really took on a lot for us, and her husband died while her three children were all still teens. Unfortunately it’s mostly not appreciated today but maybe she was too easy with them when times were good, and when times were not as good she wasn’t able to give them as much. I do strongly believe in family loyalty when it’s deserved so that’s unfortunate. I believe there’s a balance and you don’t want to be too harsh yet not give so much that it doesn’t help, either.
It also goes back to what krantcents said as well. Parenthood is not a decision that should be made lightly, yet too many people make mistakes at the wrong time in their life and it’s the kids that suffer in the end. I don’t think parenting classes will help or are needed; all that’s needed is two people who enter into the decision to have kids together and are prepared to give it their all.
“all that’s needed is two people who enter into the decision to have kids together and are prepared to give it their all”, I very much agree with you. Still, they are horror stories that I don’t necessarily want to get into but that make me wonder if there is something, as a society, that we should do differently. Don’t know what and how, but every child should get the best of their parents.
Thanks for sharing your story. Did you hear Amy’s book is also being published in China under the name “American Mom”? Pretty funny.
I also have Chinese root, 2 generations and 2 countries removed, but we still got large doses of Chinese values when I was growing up.
We didn’t have much music education though, that must be an upper class thing (?).
Wow, really? That is so funny, maybe the way kids are raised in China is even more strict, maybe Chua’s ways are mellow in comparison!
Stories like Anne’s inspire me because though there may be dark patches on the horizon, there are also shining stars of good. They are an example for me to personally aspire to, and I’m grateful that she had the good fate to be born into such a wonderful family. I believe that is like winning the lottery — If we could choose, who wouldn’t want to be born in a good family? Unfortunately we don’t all win that lottery, but we have a chance to pass the lessons on and make it better for future generations.
My Korean mother was the main disciplinarian; my more relaxed Scottish-American dad the one we liked the best. But if it wasn’t for my mother, we might all be a lot lazier and much less accomplished. I enjoyed reading Prof. Chua–she made me laugh with her draconian methods. But she provides an alternative to the parents who let videos and video games babysit their kids–and it is an alternative that must be taken seriously because Asia is fast becoming the world’s economic centre. Anne: I loved your article too. Thanks for writing it up. You show that there is the possibility of the best of both worlds. Cheers.
It seems like you also had the best of both worlds! You can’t be too lenient, but you can’t be too strict either, a nice balance has to be present.
My parents were pretty strict to me when I was a teenager, but it was for my safety as a girl. My brother had a lot more freedom, went out every night, started driving way before me, but I don’t resent them, they did it because there was a reason, and I am grateful now. They did it in a loving way, I was a bit annoyed at the time, but it didn’t last long, they would provide enough entertainment for me that I didn’t feel like running away from home.
I think as a society we can encourage more self-responsibility for our actions and the impacts that they have on others. Creating a new life is a great thing, but it’s something that carries a heavy weight of responsibility, and we should ensure that we are not encouraging irresponsible behavior nor subsidizing irresponsible parenting.
As individuals, we can ensure that we learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others, and do what we believe will be best for our kids. We will make mistakes of our own along the way for sure, but what makes the biggest difference is whether we are doing things with the intention of doing the best for them, or if we’re only doing things for our own benefit. We can change the world, one small step at a time.
This was meant in reply to DoNotWait above, but I guess it works good on its own, too!
This is an interesting post, and I thank you for sharing your story of growing up and your family.
The Chua story is clearly different, and so starkly different from how Western parents raise their kids, that it made for an interesting read for many due to the “shock value” factor. I suspect most people, here in the U.S. (and Canada) don’t parent their kids in a way comparable to Chua’s way. At all.
I have made a couple of observations:
1) The style advocated by Chua does have evidence of working, for different aspects of accomplishment for kids. I had a conversation about this with a buddy of mine, both us are fathers, but neither Chinese-American – and we both see some very clear evidence of certain measures of success with that approach. However, there are Western ways of doing things that offer benefits in other areas. My conclusion is that in the U.S./Canada the Western model prevails, but there are elements of Chua’s approach that can be incorporated as well. I like the idea of “assumption of strength” of kids, and discipline. Keep in mind I say this despite being a Western-type parent for the most part
2) Chua’s article made it seem as if THAT was THE model of how Chinese kids were raised. I think that’s a big generalization, and your post clearly articulates that. There are ranges of parenting styles, not only across cultures, but also WITHIN cultures.
Good post!
Chua’s story is definately worth discussing over, maybe that is what she intended when she thought about writing up a book about her Tiger Mom ways. It is very controversial and very generalized, as you can see by all the outrage/critique of both Westerners and other North American Chinese families.
Wow that is an amazing story! Personally I think, China is where it is today because of it’s investment in the education sector and the fact, education is taken very seriously by the Chinese. Took a while, but it paid off!
You are right, education is highly regarded not only in China, but in most Asian countries. It isn’t even optional, it’s mandatory. I know in some places such as Korea, if you don’t have education, you’re basically a nobody. I personally know a friend who does not agree with this philosophy and is miserable because of it, so is it really a good thing?
This woman did a good job of drumming up publicity for her book. I found her story in the NYT to be particularly outrageous. So no, I won’t be buying her book, and from direct experience, not using “chinese” only as an example, but many kids, especially children of foreigners end up being very ill-equipped to deal with society and social situation when they’re raised in this fashion. I majored in Chemical Engineering which was probably 80-90% Asian/Indian. Of them, many were complete introverts that were only able to socialize with their own race (including a roommate of mine who refused to publicly acknowledge his Caucasian roommates around his friends). All this hard work, discipline, etc – great. But at what cost? These kids just don’t fit in in American society. Being successful is about much more than a perfect SAT or a technical degree. It’s about being a leader, being a team player, being able to articulate a vision, being trustworthy, and being someone people WANT to work with.
Tiger moms are not creating these people. They’re creating back-office programmers and number crunchers. I ask you this:
If the Tiger Moms are so successful in rearing their children, then why are so few leaders in corporate America their progeny?
It’s just not translating into results, plain and simple. They’re creating automatons.
Yes, absolutely. When I did a semester abroad in Korea, I had 2 Russian roomates and 1 Korean one, I was happy because I thought, I can become friends with her and learn the language during my stay, I was very wrong about that! The Russians were very nice (although sometimes harsh), but were open and friendly. The Korean, even though we shared the same room for 4 months, never talked to us even once, she would wake up at 6 am every morning to study. Then when we came back, she was still studying, then she would go to sleep at 11-12 at night, totally disregarding her 3 other roomates. I don’t know if she was just shy, rude or was just so caught up in her academic life that she had no idea how to socialize. In any case, it was interesting to experience this kind of coldness, of course, I am not generalizing, I also met many friendly and warm Koreans during my stay too who were not at all like that.
I have not read Chua’s book, but when I read about it, my thoughts were, “Yes, her children may achieve success, but I wonder if they only feel loved when they achieve those “perfection” standards.” It makes me think of the father who will not brag on his son unless he hits lots of home runs or pitches perfect games. I think kids should know they are loved simply because they are kids; not because of their achievements.
This being said, I really appreciate how you shared your story. It is obvious that your parents love you with no strings attached. Like it should be. I agree with earlier comments that you should let them read this. They would, I am sure, be very gratified.
I couldn’t have said it better myself, children should be loved no matter what – they need to be guided, but loved.
Thanks for the comment!
What a great post!
I love that you recognize the hardship that your parents have experienced in their lives, and also the sacrifices they have made for you and your brother. There was one key line in your post that spoke volumes to me: “The way my parents raised me was the best they knew how…” I believe that is generally what MOST parents do. We are all born and raised a certain way, and some of that dictates how we will then raise our own children. There were some really bad examples in your dad’s family, and yet your parents overcame that and made your lives better for it.
Everyone should be as lucky to have a daughter like you. And people should in turn be lucky to have parents like you have. It is great when a family appreciates each other all around, and truly enjoys each other.
Thanks for sharing, and I home you come back again!
Thanks for the nice comment! I will come back soon!
Kevin, Whan an awesome story. No wonder you are so smart, balanced, and multi lingual. I was wondering how you could be picking up Chinese so well. Is the Taiwanese helping you? BTW, I totally agree with you regarding the Tiger mom! I think the kid would just end up hating the tiger mom.
Hi Barb,
The credit all goes to my girlfriend as this is her story! Thanks for the great compliments; I hope that one day I can hold a conversation with her parents in Chinese. I’m part of the way there but still have some ways to go!
Amy’s use of the word “superior” is just to incite.
The Asian way has produced some amazing results in North America, nobody can deny this. But, so has the Western way.
Definately!
Your piece was quite refreshing, even-handed and empathetic in comparison to Chua’s story, and much more inspiring in my opinion. Sadly, such beautiful stories don’t cause the controversy and attention-getting buzz that misguided pieces like Chua’s get.
Thanks for the nice comment, although Chua’s piece was misguided, it is because of the controversial element that inspires us to expose our own stories, and in comparison, we realize how good we have it! So in a way, I thank her for having created such a piece.
I found that Chua’s attitude towards this style of parenting was a bit obnoxious- almost elitist, as if her parenting style is superior.
I grew up in a household that wasn’t very strict, I wasn’t pushed to do things I didn’t want, my mother actually told me to become a flight attendant (nothing against flight attendants! love them- envy the free flights) so she could have discounted flights all over the world (haha, oh mom!). However, despite this “lowered expectation” from us children, we have all developed a sense of inner discipline and inner determination to succeed.
I actually resented the fact I didn’t get to play piano (it’s a money/ middle-upper class benefit I suppose) and all the other students around me got to.
At one point, my mom has the same idea, she encouraged me to become a flight attendant to get the free tickets! Gotta love them!
You know, I don’t know why they are making such a big deal about the tiger mom. Did anyone stop to think that she is just doing this for publicity?
If that was her intention – she certainly succeeded!