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Close your eyes, take a moment, and think about where you are today, and the journey that took you there. How much of that was due to your environment and upbringing? And how much is due to your genes? These are questions that scientists are trying to answer, today. On one side of the debate you have the idea that we are primarily a product of our environment, upbringing, and culture, and on the other side, we are primarily a product of our genetics, and the environment plays only a secondary role.
This is a debate that I personally find fascinating, because it can reveal to us a lot about ourselves as well as where we are going. It has significant implications for us in our quest to maximize our life expectation. If nature is more influential, then nature also sets bounds on where we can and cannot go. If nurture is more influential, then some of us are born significantly luckier than others. We do, however, have the chance to change our course as time goes on.
Which do you think has been more influential on your own life: nature, or nurture?
Nature
Life is a journey forward, with our hands at the helm and a destination we are all trying to reach. However, not all of our boats started at the same place, and each of us has a different boat; some faster, some stronger, and some more agile.
It has once been said that life, and evolution by extension, is a series of accidents. We are the product of millions and billions of those accidents. Over the long period of biological history, these accidents have sometimes resulted in an organism that was a little bit fitter than its predecessor: A little faster, a little stronger, or perhaps a little more efficient and adapted to new conditions. Over time, this has led to an explosion of life on this planet, and it has given rise to the first species with high intelligence and a large brain: us!
We originally started out in Africa, and I imagine that life for most of these early humans was more or less the same. Then over time we spread out all over the world and discovered agriculture, which lead to civilization and the spread of culture. Our species has become incredibly diversified as a result, with thousands of different languages, cultures, and races spread across the globe.
The idea behind nature being the primary determinant of who we are is that we are a product of our genes. Some of us are smarter, some faster, some more outgoing, and some more reserved. This is a very random process, as parents don’t have much control beyond choosing their mate. There is no telling how everything will mix together and what kind of person will result.
Nature sets its own bounds
Because this is such a random process, what does that mean for us? It leads to a very deterministic view of the world. We all admire geniuses such as Einstein, or athletes such as Michael Jordan. Pop stars such as Michael Jackson are legends whose names will probably never be forgotten. These are the names of people who have had a big impact on our world, in one way or another. However, how much of this success can be attributed to the unique make up of their DNA?
As people, we tend to treat the world as if nature only plays a small role. Anyone can succeed in anything if they just try hard enough. Maybe it won’t be as easy as the greats, but it all comes down to effort. We judge people who are different from us; perhaps they’re shy, or act a little weird in some way. Perhaps they’re too outgoing. We tell the shy person “Why don’t you just be a little bit more outgoing?”, we ask the over-outgoing person if they can calm down a bit, and we look down on the weird person because they are different from us.
We treat other people as if they act purely out of volition; they are different solely because they choose to be so. In fact, our entire legal system is based on this concept. We treat people as rational actors with intent, not as biological machines acting out on their genetic programming, even if genetics does happen to play a large role in how we behave.
So, if nature determines a large part of our personality and physical characteristics, does that mean we’re screwed? Not necessarily. It’s true that some of us are stronger and faster than others, and it’s true that most of us will never reach the level of someone like Einstein or one of the Michaels, no matter how hard we try. In this sense, free will is somewhat of an illusion. If we are not good in math or if we are not as charismatic as we’d like to be, this isn’t necessarily something that can be fixed just by willing it to be.
However, the belief that we can change things is a very powerful thing. It doesn’t matter if nature places limits on where we can go, if we don’t even try, we will never get anywhere close to those limits to begin with. If I believe that I can make a difference and if I believe that I can change my life for the better, then I will be able to go much further and much closer to my limits. Life dealt us a random starting hand, but we still get to choose how we play out that hand.
Nurture
Instead of genetics being the primary driver, perhaps it is our environment and upbringing that plays a large role. Nurture is just as random as nature: We didn’t choose if we were going to be born to loving parents or to unkind parents, in a rich country or a poor country, in a rich family or a poor one. Someone born to a crack mother in an inner-city ghetto certainly had no more influence over that choice than someone born to an upper-class household. Someone born and raised in a tribe in Africa is most certainly going to have a different life experience than somebody born and raised in a middle-class household in Los Angeles.
Because our life circumstances are so different, you would expect that these differences would play a huge role in the kind of person we become and the type of life we experience. There is no doubt that the environment plays a huge role, but it has also been shown that the personalities of adopted siblings are less similar than the personalities of identical twins raised in separate families, so its role is not absolute.
How bounded are we by our starting circumstances in life?
This is a question that is important to me. Is our life going to be determined by where we started out? Are we destined to have a good life if we were born in a good home? Conversely, are we screwed and destined for failure if we had a more troubled start in life?
Undoubtedly parents play a huge role in passing on their values and providing guidance and love to their children. I can see the good heart and spirit of my girlfriend and the love of her parents which has been passed on to her. Some of my fellow bloggers, such as Bret from Hope to Prosper, share their wisdom and wonderful experiences of parenting and the lessons that they have passed down from generation to generation.
Good parenting definitely plays a role in producing good children. However, we all know cases where kids have for one reason or another been troubled, even though they seemingly come from good homes. We also know cases where people went through less than ideal circumstances, yet somehow they managed to push through it and build a good life for themselves in spite of the adversity they faced. Sandy from Yes, I am Cheap reminds us why parents need to take an active role in their children’s lives, and Sandy from First Gen American shows us how to be strong in the face of verbal abuse and hardship. I find it very inspiring how people can be dealt such a bad hand, yet manage to go so far and put on a brave face in spite of it.
My own story
I have my own story to tell, here. My mother was pregnant at 16 and my father left shortly after; we have never met. It was not an easy pregnancy as she was a smoker and a drinker. There is a whole family and culture I have never known. My mother was unstable and we moved around from place to place, often in the middle of a school grade. I would just start to get accustomed to a new place when it would be time for us to move for one reason or another.
As she was unable to look after me well, I had a lot of freedom at a very young age playing in construction yards by myself or with friends, though looking back I guess it was somewhat dangerous at the same time!
My grandmother would help out where she could, but as a newly widowed woman who lost her house there was only so much she could do at the time.
Jumping into the fire
Finally my mother found someone that she loved enough to marry; a convicted criminal with a record for beating up his ex-wife. Me and him got along well at first, but later the relationship turned verbally and physically abusive. He had no interest in being my dad; I was only along for the ride, and I had to refer to his parents by their surnames. Due to bankruptcy and other various reasons, we kept moving around, and this is when I entered my “lost decade” for my pre-teen and teenage years. Things were bad enough that I had to go see a school psychologist, though they ignored her recommendations.
The last straw for me was when my step-dad was drunk and complaining that I was a good for nothing, and kicked me down the stairs after I had said something he didn’t like. I left the house and, having no car to go anywhere else, took my bicycle and slept in a field that night. When I came back, my mother screamed at me for not having washed the dishes.
I didn’t know where else to turn to, so I asked my grandmother for help. She helped me move out and I went to stay with a high school friend of mine, and things from then on slowly started to improve. Though my grandmother’s generous help and support, I was able to complete college and university, even though I had to work many hours on the side to help pay for it. Even long before this, she was the one that helped me to start to come out of my shell when I lived with her during the last couple of years of high school. My parents could never accept this decision, that I would choose my grandmother over them, and to this day they look at me as if I am the devil’s spawn.
Light at the end of the tunnel
I have a half-sister whom I was able to spend a few years living with together, and whom my step-dad loves and adores, and I know that they are happy together, although we have not spoken to each other in about a decade now. My life has drastically improved in the past 10 years; I went from an angst-filled teen that was chronically depressed, withdrawn, and didn’t care about anything to a more reasonably rounded adult who now lives with a great girlfriend of 7 years, graduated with distinction and is able to hold down a stable job.
Sometimes I feel that I don’t deserve any of it. I look back to how bad things were and I feel that somehow I must have deserved being in such a bad situation. I still carry around this baggage inside of me, and I wonder why it is that they are able to be happy together and not move around from place to place, have bankruptcy, and why he loves his daughter yet was never able to truly accept me. I wonder why my mom has gone along with it and why she hates her own son. Maybe I was the problem all along.
Nonetheless, I am still thankful for many things. I was born with complications, but I am still healthy, strong, and intelligent. I had a hell of a rough time growing up, but I also had the strong, unconditional love of my grandmother who was able to toughen me up and kick me in the behind, helping me to get to where I am today. I am very, very fortunate that I was born in Canada and that I have access to opportunities that people in other parts of the world can only dream of.
Nature versus nurture
In the end, we come back to nature versus nurture and now you know why I am so personally interested in both. On both counts I have not been dealt with the best starting hand, but if I take an objective view of my own life I have not done so badly up until now. Is it possible for us, as human beings, to overcome the situations we were born in, and to become something more? I believe it is.
Nature and nurture doesn’t begin and end with birth. As time goes on, we gain more and more influence over our own lives. I firmly believe that we can improve ourselves as human beings by surrounding ourselves with people that are better than ourselves. This is how I became a better person; by meeting my girlfriend who has the polar opposite life experience of myself and by surrounding myself with colleagues that are smarter than myself, and through the love of a grandmother. I don’t know where I would be in my life today without their guiding light. We are able to change the role that nurture provides by surrounding ourselves with better influences. The journey has only begun, and I hope to go much further.
It turns out that we may even have more control over nature than previously thought. While gene modification is still some time away from becoming widespread, we are already capable of neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is the idea that we have more control over our brains than previously thought — we can actually shape our personalities and thoughts. We don’t have to be the victim of our starting circumstances; within certain bounds, we can actually improve our starting hand and become a new person entirely.
I want to thank Bret from Hope to Prosper, Sandy from Yes, I Am Cheap, and Sandy from First Gen American for encouraging me to share my own history through their revealing and thought-provoking posts. When I read the submissions at the Yakezie Writing Contest, I am awed by what some people have gone through and are willing to share with others. I am still somewhat of a guarded person, and I am embarrassed to share this part of my history as I feel I will be judged for coming from such a background. Nonetheless, I feel that the posts and essays of my fellow bloggers are so much richer knowing the personal context, and I hope that you will also see my writing in a new light now that you know where I am coming from.
So, reader, what impacts has nature and nurture had on your own life? How do you feel about your journey and the destination you have in mind? We are all travelling together, and I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Gosh, it’s so tough to read these kinds of stories, but they exist and they happen EVERY SINGLE DAY and at higher rates wit teen parents. They’re just not equipped to handle it. You mother might not have hated YOU but hated herself for her perceived shortcomings and you were probably a daily reminder of it.
I’ve learned that yes, people mellow with age, but the hurt and pain does not go away as easily. You can chose to push it aside and reach out to them or not. At this point it’s about the things that make YOU happy.
You should be proud of yourself for rising above your circumstances to be where you are today! It takes hard, hard work and determination (believe me, I know) to put yourself through school when the odds are so firmly stacked against you. Be proud. You’ve done well.
Hey Sandy,
This sort of thing unfortunately seems to be more common than I would have figured. Thanks for sharing your own story, it’s liberating to be able to share these experiences!
wow you went though lot of hurdles. I’m glad you had a great grandma. keep it going!
Hey Das,
I’m glad too! 🙂
Nature and nurture were against you but you overcame them. You should be proud of what you have accomplished and I’m sure you will accomplish even more.
In some ways the journey is only beginning. This isn’t something you appreciate when you are younger, but something that becomes more apparent as time goes on. Thanks for the comment! 🙂
You are proof of the fact that we are in control of our own destiny. I didn’t meet my birth mother until much later life. I was raised by uncles and then by a step mother and found solace in books. Like you I luckily found a great life partner. Without my wife I’m not sure where I would be today. So, in the end luck plays an important role but, I believe, you have to be positioned in the right way to receive the benefits of luck.
Really interesting and thought provoking post!
That’s good that your uncles were there for you. I guess we’re both lucky that we had someone in the family to help us out and give support when we needed it. Luck is random, but we do need to position ourself to be able to take advantage. I think I can agree with that!
I also don’t believe that the future is set in stone. Nature and nurture play a big role, but what makes us human is that it’s possible for us to transcend these limitations, at least to an extent. We’re not bounded by instinct or fate.
Kevin,
This is a very sad story, with a very happy ending so far. I think you said it best when you said you can’t help the cards you are dealt, only the way you play them. Cheers to you for picking yourself up and making it on your own.
I strongly believe in both nature and nurture and I think they play equal roles. I used to think nurture had a stronger role, until we had our second child. That’s when I realized they were very different, even though we raised them the same.
One thing I don’t believe in is fate. I believe the great and even normal people overcome many obstacles to achieve their life goals. Even people who fail spectacularly often pick themselves up and become successful somewhere else. Fate is something that becomes reality, only after it is accepted as inevitable.
Bret
I think I can see this more clearly with time. When young, you don’t have much life experience to judge the world by. As time goes on, you gain a lot more experience and this shows you both in a sense that your problems aren’t as bad as they seem, and how much there is out there to see and explore. Thanks for sharing your own inspiring story; it definitely gives me a new appreciation for your writing.
As a teacher of at risk kids, I hear these stories way too often. I am amazed how they get through it every day. Everyone reacts to their environment differently! You could have believed the negative messages instead you fought back. In the nature vs nurture argument, I believe each contributes.
Truth be told a lot of the fighting back is because I fortunately had some good examples to go by! The younger we are the more we base our worldview on our immediate impressions, so at one point I felt like my situation was normal! Teaching by example is a great way to leave a good impression on others, and I’m lucky that I had that opportunity while I was still in my teens, when I really needed it.
I have always felt that nurture plays a more important role. I have been fortunate to have been in a good family and raised in an environment that encourages education and personal growth. It sounds like you have come out of some adversity but have risen above it and are continuing in your personal growth. Keep growing and learning.
Sometimes I feel that I need to prove to myself that I can get out of that trap, and not repeat the same cycle with my own children. I really don’t think I will, but I always have that pressure to do better. On the other hand, my girlfriend also feels the same sort of pressure but in her case, it’s because she wants to make her parents and herself proud. It’s interesting to share the journey and see where each of us comes from, as well as our motivations on the path forward!
Kevin,
Thanks for sharing your story! I’m glad you were able to pull out of your “lost years” and be the man you are today. As they say, whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and this perspective you have as a kid is a fantastic one that must allow you to appreciate life that much more as an adult.
If all you knew what happiness, maybe you would never know what ultimate happiness is!
Best, Sam
Hey Sam,
The contrast between earlier times and now certainly paints some extra colour into my life! I credit the Yakezie with helping me come better to grips with this part of my life; reading about the stories of others, their successes, and their struggles, has really helped me gain some perspective. It’s given me the confidence to be more comfortable in acknowledging and discussing this part of my life.
Thanks for opening up this world to me and for helping others to share their stories as well!
Thank you for sharing your story, Kevin, I know it must have been a difficult decision whether or not to share your history with us.
I’m sorry to hear your upbringing was so difficult for you, and sorry to hear your step father was abusive. I think that your wisdom you have gained in these short years shine through in your writing, and you have developed character, a richness in personality, and a passion for a life well lived.
You should be proud of all that you have achieved, and more importantly, you have taken the adversity you experienced as a young child and become a person that we all strive to be from it.
I had to read what I had written a couple of times before I was sure of hitting the submit button. 😉
Thanks for the great support and encouragement, from you and everyone else as well, I really appreciate it. As time goes on I am better able to come to grips with this part of my life and to look on it with a new understanding.
You can look back from the top of your mountain with pride Kevin, you’ve accomplished what many people who had more than you failed to accomplish.
Nature, Nurture and free will are variables with fluctuating weights that combine to make everyone of us who we are.
Hey Mich,
We’ve certainly been able to build up a lot together since a bit more than a year ago, eh? Thanks for all of the discussions and feedback over time, I’ve been happy to have someone to work with and bounce ideas off of. 🙂
Wow, I don’t think I have ever read such a personalized story online. You are truly an amazing person to battle through what you have. Thank you for sharing your personal history with us and letting us know exactly where you came from.
Thanks for the comment, Max!
Wow, what a fantastic come back story. I’m in the nature camp all the way. I think people can withstand some incredibly horrible stuff and if they’ve got what it takes on the inside to get the hell out and make a better life for themselves, they will find a way. I don’t know which character trait(s) must be inherited to not want to settle for mediocre or bad, but I’m glad I had it.
I’m also thrilled that you are one of those people who have it too. My crazy life is a distant memory. I’ve already had more happy years than sad ones and it was worth the crazy work schedule and the late nights studying to get there. I’m just so thankful that I did not inherit laziness and entitlement from my dad. I can’t imagine what kind of person I’d be if I had to deal with those deficits.
Thanks again for sharing your story. I’m touched to think that I was one of the inspirations for this article.
I am glad that I didn’t inherit the spitefulness of my mother. Truth be told I do have some laziness streaks that I would prefer I didn’t have, and it’s something I need to work against, but I also have a stubbornness streak from my grandmother that helps to combats it from the other side.
I first discovered your blog with the very same post, when I discovered it on I think either Everyday Tips and Thoughts or Budgeting In the Fun Stuff through one of their weekend roundups. I no longer remember, but I’m pretty sure it was one of them. I’m really glad I did, because I discovered a blog with a lot of great content and thoughtful posts, and the interesting roundup idea every now and then. 😉
Thanks for showing me that it’s possible to live a good life and achieve personal growth, even if one has started with less than ideal circumstances.
For me its both nature and nurture.
I grew up in a stable home but nevertheless experienced both adversity and loving kindness in childhood.
I’m way past the big 50 now and can see that nature bestowed the ability to do some things easily while other things had to be learned with effort. I can see how both parents contributed.
The people and things I have been surrounded by have have enabled me to develop my philosophy of living and build a satisfying life.
I still have a ways to go before the big five-oh, but hope I can acquire as much wisdom as you seem to have. Still so many years ahead! 🙂
Wow, what a thought provoking, inspiring and reflective post. It took you a great deal of courage to write this and share this with us. I am very happy to hear, how you’ve turned some very unfortunate nuturing events into some positive outcomes. Obviously, you believe in the power that nature can have over nuture. You should be never judged by where you are from Kevin, instead appluaded and rewarded by how far you’ve come. Sounds like you’ve travelled further than many – a distance you should be very proud of 🙂
Cheers,
Mark
And still much further to go! 🙂 I’ve never been particularly religious, but sometimes I feel spiritual about the grandeur that life presents us, and the wonderful opportunity that we have to be alive to experience it. Today’s as good a time as any in the past to be alive!
Thanks for helping me to realize that we’re not where we came from, but rather where we’re going. I always appreciate the great comments and posts. 🙂
What a great and inspirational personal story, Kevin. Good on you for posting it and inviting feedback. Your journey is not over yet. With your determination, you’re bound to get to some awesome heights.
I’ve been fortunate to meet some people that come from harsh backgrounds, and I’ve always been amazed at what they’ve been able to achieve. It could have so easily gone the other way. It leads to having a new refreshed perspective on life: it could always be worse.
I guess there’s no telling how things can go. I like your sentence: “Your journey is not over yet.” So true… there is still so much to look forward to and so much to see! Thanks for stopping by.
Yeah i agree too, You should be never judged by where you are from, instead applauded and rewarded by how far you’ve come. Thanks this a great story of hour i’ve learn today.. I will treasure this share.
Thanks Mr. Peanut. 🙂
I’m with DIY Investor in that we choose our own destiny. Sure, we are limited to an extent by the genes we inherit and the unique time and location in which we come into being, however I struggle to find comfort in the thought that I do not ultimately have a say in whether or not I continue working my job for the next few years, or that my day to day lifestyle does not affect my health 15 years from now. Thank you for sharing your personal story, I look forward to more careful thoughts and discussions on this topic for years to come!
Agreed; there’s a difference between not trying and trying in spite of whatever limitations may be placed upon us. That’s why it doesn’t much matter whether determinism is true or false, since it doesn’t change the fact that we can still improve our lives by steering the boat!
Thanks for contributing me some idea bout Nature and Nurture. I think that your wisdom you have gained in these short years shine through in your writing, and you have developed character, a richness in personality, and a passion for a life well lived.
Thanks Mr. Oil. Do you think that would have saved my cutting board from starting to split on the edges?
What an amazing post. From reading your site, you would never know you came from a ‘broken’ home and had it so rough. I am so sorry you were treated so poorly. What a rip-off.
I know my words cannot change anything, but you totally deserve the good things you get in life, and no child deserves the bad like you had. You have turned the ‘nurture’ type theories on their heads since you would expect someone from your situation would have turned to crime, gotten someone pregnant, you name it. Instead, you sought out the one constant in your life, your grandma, and looked to make a great life for yourself. That was a very wise decision, because you just as easily could have sought out drugs or other options.
I can not reveal my life story because too many people I know read my blog, but I am wondering, was it cathartic at all? I will just say you would have never expected myself and my brothers to all have graduate degrees. (And that I am not featured on the show ‘half ton mom’ with a picture of me permanently sitting on my front porch eating ho hos and smoking.)
I am really glad you shared your story Kevin. You are obviously a very intelligent person, and it seems like you have found a lot of happiness in your life. Just enjoy the happiness and never question it. I am sure you have a lot of baggage that rears it’s ugly head once in awhile, but geez, who wouldn’t in your situation?
In my own family, I see nature-vs-nurture all the time. My oldest son is somewhat temperamental and stoic, while my other two are happy go lucky and laid back. My daughter saves money like Howard Hughes and my sons would spend the minute they got a dollar if I would let them. Since I had 3 kids within 3 years, I don’t think it is like I raised them all that much different, it was all in the same basic time frame. Personality traits are so hard to track because they are not as quantifiable as things like athletic talent, speed, etc. You might look at a sprinter and say ‘they had to be born fast because you can’t teach speed’. However, if you look at someone that is a hoarder, you wonder if they were born that way, or if something happened in their lives that caused that anomaly.
Ok, I better stop writing because this is becoming the longest comment ever. Really great post!!
Hey Kris,
We talked a bit in email too but thanks again for your comment, and thank you for understanding. 🙂
I guess in the end you have some influence but only so much, but any parent should love their kids unconditionally, no matter what. No matter how they turn out to be, good or bad, you are the one that decided to give them life! I just hope I can live up to my own standards when it comes to this… you’re right, I shouldn’t question that things have gotten better but sometimes it gives me my doubts. I guess it’s just something I need to ride out as I go through life!
This is such an interesting post, and something I’ve thought a lot about. I still don’t know how to explain the nature vs. nurture thing. I had a similar experience to you as a kid. Thankfully, my mom was (and is) amazing, but my dad? Well, without getting into too much internet detail, to put it nicely would be to say he was never that interested in having children — and he had five, two with my mom and three with a previous wife. By all accounts I should have huge daddy issues, but I’m pretty well adjusted (at least, I think I am!). My sister is totally different from me in every way, though, and we were raised exactly the same way. So who knows? Too many variables, I think.
Similarly, I have two half-sisters. We never lived together, and were all raised almost exclusively by our respective mothers. My younger (full) sister is incredibly similar to my oldest sister, and me and my next oldest (half) sister are SO ALIKE. We even look really alike (especially if you compare photos of us as children — we look like twins). It’s really amazing, since there’s a big age difference.
But then, on the same hand, I feel like I work hard to be a good person, and I learned that from the way my mom raised me, not from my genes. I guess it’s a bit of both.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Thanks for sharing yours as well! It’s unfortunate to learn that these sort of stories are more common than I would hope, but I also find it interesting that people can be resilient in spite of this, and that while a big portion is the environment, a good portion of it does seem to be like something we may just be born with. I think going into the future we are going to find more and more ways to alter these “preset” points, which raises moral and ethical issues but brings with it new worlds of possibility as well.
I feel that nature and nurture have had an impact on my life. I am very much like my mother and have many of her traits. But I was also taught to be a hardworking and independent individual. It is very true that nature and nurture influence a person but it depends on what degree. I feel that the destination that I choose for my life is by nurture. I dont’t have to traits to be a teacher. I choose what I want to be, but the traits I enherited are nature.
True, we are all different by birth. We all have our unique strengths and weaknesses. We still get to play with the hands we have, though. Any hand can potentially win, it’s all in how we use what we have!
nature versus nurture has influenced me alot when i was little my dad was never around to much which wasnt so hard i actually liked it much more because when he was home he was always drunk or under the influence of drugs and being the oldest i would always be the one to be beaten. Walking around school and teachers asking you what happened is hard. I learned to be very independent and do everything on my own.
I believe that nurture will make more of an impact on a person’s life. A person may have the best personality and inherit amazing traits from their family but if they are not brought up in a decent surrounding and do not learn the right sense of morals and lessons, then they might not have the encouragement to go forward in life. In my life, both nature and nurture have had an impact on my life because I have the almost all the same traits as my parents and I have grown up in a home where I was taught well. The way a person is brought up and the surroundings will be a great impact on a person’s life.
Good thoughts, BlitZ’n / SuperAmazingThoughts. The two definitely go hand in hand.
Kevin your story is quite similar to mine. I often get angry when I think of the years that were stolen from me…I guess that would be the poor me peeking through. I too had the support of my grandmother but only for a short while. I went to school pretending I was like everyone else but I returned home most nights to witness incorrigible abuse. I watched my step-father kill my mother’s spirit over the years to the point where she couldn’t get out of bed. The funny thing was, as an 11 yr old, I thought he was the hero because she wasn’t there for me. As I grew older I to realized that he was a murderer but my mother was long gone, detached mentally. It certainly is true that is someone tells you you are a whore and no good for nothing often enough, you believe it. I guess this is where the nurture comes in. If we tell are children that they are wonderful and smart and strong and can concur the world then I believe they will try.
I could go on and on but I have come to realize that I have gained much wisdom and understanding from those years and I would not be the same person. I am independent and very determined. I do have a few issues but let’s face it; we all have issues regardless of our upbringing.
@Della Thank you for your comment, Della! I’m sorry to hear about what you had to go through, but the good thing is that you realize it for what it is, and you can break the cycle with your own children. I believe that we still have control over the future so we can make the best of it, as you are right — we all have issues, and we all had different types of upbringing, but we can break the cycle for the future and make things better. 🙂
I also hope that your mom has been able to get out of that situation. It is about power for these men, but what they are really afraid of is that one day she will no longer be afraid of him or listen to his abuse.