Welcome to December, everyone! 🙂 As we draw nearer to Christmas, the days get shorter and the weather gets colder, and the snow starts to stick to the ground. In some ways, the lengthening nights can be a bit depressing, as it starts to get dark before 4 p.m. However, I’m also reminded of warm, delicious turkey dinners and the joys of spending the holidays with those we care about.
As we draw to the close of one year and to the beginning of another year, I look back and see how things went, and try to think of what I can do to further myself in the new year ahead. As human beings, we are always acting to move towards a state of higher satisfaction and attainment, and I don’t just mean money or material attainment. At each step of the journey, we wonder “what’s next?”, and “where do I go from here?”
The road isn’t always easy going! There are a lot of challenges to face along the way, and some of the biggest are inside our heads. Jeremy, a blog buddy of mine, recently shared some of his thoughts on depression, and how he’s dealt with it over time. His post resonated with me, as I’ve been prone to depression and anxiety myself. Sometimes I wonder why our brain switches this on — don’t we still live good lives, with warm homes and food to eat? Many of our ancestors had to struggle just to have that, and many people around the world still struggle even today.
Sometimes, the simplest life can be the happiest life of all. Buddha once wrote that suffering comes from desire and longing, and maybe part of depression is a result of having too much longing, longing for the wrong things, or blaming ourselves for the things that we cannot change. I believe that a big part of it is relative — it’s the relative differences that upset us, even if we are not doing so badly in absolute terms.
When I travelled to the Ethiopian countryside, I found that the further off we went and the less exposure that people had to Western culture and Western tourists, the happier they were. Western culture isn’t itself to blame, but imagine living a life where even a plastic bottle, something most of us don’t think twice about discarding, is something to be treasured. Might put the relative differences into the spotlight, yes? And so it is with most of us, on a lesser scale.
Whether it is wealth, income, social status, beauty, social attainment, or even our very own imagination and the expectations that we grew up with, much longing comes from the relative differences that we perceive between where we are and where we think we should be.
Each of us has something valuable to add to this world
The forest is situated south of the Loch Achray Hotel. An excellent walk can be had from Loch Katrine eastwards through the forest to emerge part way up the Dukes Pass.
Source: Malcolm Street (geograph) and licensed for reuse under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic Licence.
What can we do to combat these feelings that we all face at times? I don’t think shame or just telling oneself to “get over it” works, because that doesn’t really address the root of the problem; it’s natural to feel longing, and it’s even natural to feel depressed at times. Rather, I think there are ways to reduce the longing and add some good to the world at the same time.
I think the first step is to realize that each of us has a purpose in life, and a unique value that we bring to the world. I don’t mean this in the sense that “everyone is special and a unique snowflake”, but rather, I mean this in the sense that there is a path out there that will help each of us get closer to the light of self-actualization. The most basic truth is that each of us has the power to do good in this world, and we have the choice to do our little bit to make the world a better place; it can be as small as deciding to give your waiter/waitress an extra tip the next time you go out to eat. It can be finding your passion, and deciding to work a little bit harder and produce a little bit more. There are many ways to give forth, even extending beyond regular charity.
I believe that giving support to the causes that one believes in is one of the most important ways that we can self-actualize and add to the world. There are many victims of violence out there, people in abusive relationships, people that have been bullied, and as we know from the tragic events of recent history, there will be many parents who face the prospect of a lonely Christmas this year, without the smiles and joy of their loved ones. The causes that you believe in are private, and they are for you to decide. In supporting these causes, you can bring more justice and compassion to the world.
There are so many ways that this can be applied, and this works even if the sources of your longing might be quite vain! 😉
- Did you ever suffer from parental or spousal abuse, or were you bullied when younger? Help to right the injustice by providing much-needed support to abuse shelters, the Big Brothers and Sisters, and homes for runaways.
- Are you upset because you got laid off, or you feel your career is stagnating? Help mentor a student on the ways of the work force, or better yet, hire them for a personal project and get something off the ground.
- Wishing you could drive a Mercedes, but drive an econobox instead? Imagine if you didn’t have a car at all. Donate or volunteer to help out a less fortunate family with their food & transportation needs this Christmas.
To me, this is one of the most powerful cures for depression and longing. Sometimes donations and charity can almost feel a bit trite, especially when it feels forced or it feels like a social obligation; that’s why I think it’s important to find the causes that you really believe in! Look beyond the traditional sources of charitable giving to the areas that also mesh with your personal values, and where you believe that even small funds can make a meaningful impact.
Eielson Air Force Base, Alaska — The Aurora Borealis, or Northern Lights, shines above Bear Lake. Source: Wikipedia
Sometimes, we also just have to help ourselves by developing a greater appreciation for the wonder around us, so we develop the capability to later help ours. Many people don’t look forward to the cold of winter (myself included!), but you know what, there are a lot of great things about it. We can enjoy winter sports, such as snowing and skiing. We can sit in a dark park at night, and look up at the stars of the crisp and clear night sky, and then come inside and enjoy the warmth of our homes. Each cycle of the seasons brings renewed life and hope to the world.
We can all contribute something valuable to this world. Even if we’ve suffered great wrongs, or even if our longings are merely vain, even if we don’t have everything that we want, we still have the power to make a difference.
How do you feel about how the year has gone for you, and how are you coping with your own feelings as you strive toward personal fulfillment? I am thankful that the first year of my leap has gone well, and I have learned so much; I feel much more capable than I ever have at any previous time in my life. I still sometimes get a bit depressed, mainly over things that are beyond my ability to change, and to work through it, I think of some of the causes that I believe in, and what I can do to make a difference.
Kevin, This article really hit the spot. I try to maintain the mindset of abundance and appreciation, but it’s not always easy. We get so caught up in our little corner of the world that it’s easy to lose perspective.
Each of us has a little power to make a difference, and help make things a little bit better. 🙂
Excellent post. Every time I travel overseas I am reminded of how fortunate I am. Every day I go into work I am reminded of how happy I am to have good health. But, this doesn’t last. I end up getting into the mindset of those around me – I need more, I don’t have this, I am not doing this, etc. and I get discouraged. It is definitely a work in progress to tweak this perspective permanently. I will keep working on it though.
It’s not always easy, but I find it might be better to not fight the feelings, but rather run with them instead. Then you can turn them into positive feelings by realizing how much of a difference we can make in the lives of others, and that we can also do our part to improve the world, even if just a little bit at a time.
Kevin, thanks for the article and mention. I’m grateful to read your perspective and the additional insights you add to deal with depression. In the end, it helps to know that others out there have the same challenge as I and we have the resources to easily talk about it. That helps.
I also think it is AWESOME you are doing your own mobile app full time. I can’t give enough kudos to you for making that happen.
I’ll do the best to answer your question now 🙂
How do you feel about how the year has gone for you, and how are you coping with your own feelings as you strive toward personal fulfillment?
-> Financially, the year has gone great. I sold some employee stock, so my cash on hand and net worth is up much higher than before. I haven’t made the progress I want to on my own business side, but overall, I feel grateful and happy with where I’m at.
Thanks for being a listening ear and friend Kevin!
Hi Jeremy,
I took a look at your overall progress and you guys are doing pretty well! 2013 will be a new year with a lot more room to grow, including in mobile. I agree with you, lots of opportunities ahead for coders. 🙂
Super post! Very reflective. There is scientific evidence that humans are kind of hard wired to enjoy giving – so not only is it good for the other guy, it is good for you too.
Hi Marie,
I agree with this as well! I think it can lead to more happiness overall.
This is just what a lot of people need to hear at this time of year! One thing that we do as a gift for people who “have everything” is to donate to a cause in their honor. For example, we donated to Guiding Eyes for the Blind in honor of our friend because she is very involved in the association. She thought it was the best gift ever – no junk to sit around, and it went to a cause she cares about.
This is actually a really great idea! This is the kind of gift-giving I lean toward, because to be honest material-wise it doesn’t take that much to be fairly comfortable, and it’s also easier to run the risk of buying something that won’t be used or isn’t exactly what the person wanted. For that reason I’m also partial to just asking someone directly what they want for Christmas instead of trying to guess.
Great post! This year, I’m very grateful for getting a job as a developer after going back to school and switching careers. I’m also grateful that I was able to switch jobs so quickly after graduating and snatch a hefty pay increase in the process! As a result, I’m trying to give back this year by being a mentor to other female computer science students.
This is pretty awesome, CF, have you written more about this on your site? I don’t see too many female developers so that is pretty cool to learn you’re helping more to find a great career path.
I’ve never liked the argument that people in some of the less industrialized countries are happier and live a better life. You used Ethiopia in your example and their life expectancy is below 60 years. I would take our western culture any day over that.
It’s definitely not an argument suggesting that we should practice a life of asceticism. 🙂
I think there’s a very interesting phenomenon taking place though, when as you travel further and further into the countryside where people have been less exposed to a rich material world, and they seem very happy and content with the basics of life. Think of it this way: if you don’t know any of your coworkers’ salaries, you might think you’re getting paid pretty well. What if that information gets leaked and suddenly you find out you’re in the bottom 10%? Nothing actually changed, but you’re suddenly a lot more unhappy, right? I think it’s the knowledge of a great gap in wealth that hurts the most, and I wish we could lower that gap. It will take a lot of institutional change to get there.
Many people in the early 19th century believed that marriage was an important aspect of life to “fulfill earthly human happiness.” Middle-class Americans wanted the home to be a place of stability in an uncertain world. This mentality created a vision on strongly defined gender roles, which led to the advancement of the free love movement.