Chapter 1: Non-Reciprocal Takers
This is a post by guest writer Amo Tango. This is a story about helping out certain types of “friends”, and when it can go wrong.
Beggar at the Door
What a year Maria was having. In the same year Simba dies, her best friend goes nuts on her, and work has never been so stressful. Having to prepare for a business trip that ended up being canceled 2 days prior to leaving just added to the stress, and to top things off, the very weird Evan decided to show back up in her life, in a very unnecessarily dramatic way.
After about 3 months after Simba’s passing and a spat with Chuck and Emily, Maria was woken up one morning by a couple of text messages on her phone from a friend that hadn’t talked to her in a year or so. The messages seemed desperate and serious; Evan was begging Maria for a place to stay immediately. Upon reading these messages, Maria became very concerned and called Evan right back.
He wouldn’t say the reason why he needed to get out of his parents’ house so badly; he just kept whispering that he needed somewhere to crash for a few days. As confused as Maria was, she was even more worried, so she told Evan he could stay over, but he would have to tell her why, when he got there. To this, he agreed.
After that call, all sorts of ideas popped into Maria’s head… she was expecting the worst: had Evan gotten abused by his parents? Had he been badly hurt? She was contemplating on calling the police, but decided to wait until Evan explained everything.
As it was a weekday, Maria had to get up and prepare for work. Mike had just woken up, so Maria told him everything. He was kind of weirded-out that Evan would show up suddenly and stay over at their place without saying the reason, but he was ultimately OK with it. Maria had told Evan to call her once he got to the apartment, and that she would come back from work and let him in.
A couple of hours passed by, but there was no sign of Evan. Another 2 hours passed by, and he was still a no-show. Had he really been hurt this time? Maria was getting very worried, so she called him back. Evan answered, but he was still back at his parents’ place: he told her he couldn’t get away just yet. At this point, Maria was kind of freaking out; what did this mean? Evan is not the type to give many details when he talks; you really have to extract it out of him, and so Maria just decided to wait until he got to her apartment. In the meantime, she kept thinking the worst.
Finally, in the early afternoon, Evan called Maria and told her that he made it to her apartment. Maria rushed back from work to let him in. He looked really pitiful, and he even started crying in front of Maria. Although he looked really tired and sad, he didn’t look physically hurt.
Evan finally told Maria what had happened: since his graduation, which was in the same year as Maria (about 2 years ago); he had done nothing but play a computer game, night and day, cooped up in his room, never going out to see the sun, which would explain his unnaturally pale skin, and this lack of production finally got to his dad.
His dad was fed up and told his son to get out into the world and to do something with his life instead of not sleeping when he should and spending his entire time playing a stupid video game. After hearing the reason for Evan’s freak-out, Maria’s fears and concerns instantaneously disappeared. She felt that Evan actually did deserve getting yelled at, and finally, she was thinking if that Evan was her son, she would have told him off a long time ago.
Nonetheless, some people are more sensitive than others, and are more socially inept than others, so Maria still decided to help him out. She prepared the couch for him, started preparing food for him and gave him tips and advice about getting a job. Maria, still on work time, had to go back and continue working throughout the day, she did feel relief though, happy that the situation was not more serious than she thought.
Hospitality
After work, Mike and Maria went to work at helping Evan out. They talked to Evan about fixing up his CV, and Maria even had a direct contact to a team lead at a company that Evan really wanted to work at. It wasn’t the best paying job, but it was a very good start, considering what Evan had been doing for the past 2 years. She told him to start small, but to start right away, and not to procrastinate.
Evan would slowly pick up the pace and search for jobs online via links suggested by Mike and Maria. Evan was really out of sync with the world; he had no idea how to even begin, which was boggling, since he came from a very good family. He had all he needed to grow up into a well-rounded adult, he was a very intelligent individual too, yet he still struggled so much to do the most basic things, such as look for a job after graduating University.
So for the next 3 days, Maria cooked 2 meals a day for him, Mike sacrificed his laptop for Evan so that he could use it to look for jobs, which he did not always use it for, and the two would constantly give him advice and encouraging words. Maria even brought Evan to a job agency in the lobby of the building to see if anything was available.
On that Friday night, Mike and Maria told each other it was time to bring Evan home. Surely, not only were his parents worried, but having a guy who hadn’t bathed in 3 days in their home was starting to get a little unhygienic. Evan was taken aback with the decision, but he had no choice. He finally got home, and his mom opened the door and let him in; he looked like a scared puppy, but Maria knew he would be OK in that house.
A job and a social life – finally!
After a few days, Evan told Maria that he had gotten the job from the contact that she had given him, and that he would start in the next week or so. Maria was thrilled that he could finally move on from doing nothing to being useful in this society. Evan was also starting to talk to Mike and Maria more and more, becoming how he used to be, as when Maria first met him. Maria even invited Evan out for an annual camping trip which turned out to be a success.
A job turns into a career
The first job that Evan had gotten was not the best paying one and there were only so many hours that were given to him each week. Maria just told him to not give up; this was just a means to get a little bit of experience and some money before landing a better job. She kept telling him to continue applying to hundreds of places, and to go to interviews, and that the process could take awhile before getting a suitable full-time job.
After about a couple of months working at the same job and not hearing anything back from any of the other places that Evan had applied to, Mike offered Evan an opportunity at his workplace (a very large corporation) that seemed suitable for Evan. Mike asked Evan for his CV, and personally handed it to his old boss who was looking for someone to work on her team. After a few days of interviews and waiting, Evan eventually got the job. It was a full-time contract position in Evan’s field of study, with a very good salary. Evan was finally out of his funk, and he seemed happier than ever.
Thank you, no thank you
Evan is the type of guy with a very “unique” sense of humour, that can rub people the wrong way. He is also the type of guy that can get offended very easily.
Evan was happy that things were looking up for him, but Maria and Mike were hoping that he’d show a bit of gratitude or some sign that he appreciated all of the help. Not wanting to appear pushy, Maria and Mike joked about having Evan having to treat Mike and Maria for a nice dinner as a thank you. Evan finally made the official invitation by email, but as he did not want to take up too much of his time, he picked a spot right next to his work and told Maria that she could join them by taking the subway. Maria responded with a joke about the woman always having to do the extra work, but she did accept the invitation and asked for more info about the place and time. She was very grateful, but half expecting something like that since she had done so much for Evan.
Evan is the type of guy which makes a lot of weird jokes that can offend other people, but he gets very easily offended in turn. To Maria’s surprise, Evan had responded to Maria’s answer with a very harsh response that was very disrespectful toward someone that had taken him into her home, with no joke intended. It was extremely uncalled for; even Mike was stunned about his response, and replied to Evan with something that was equally harsh. Evan was uncompromising and refused to back down from his offense. This created a lot of tension and led to the friendship to come to an end.
Maria and Mike were shook up and very frustrated; here was a guy that had not communicated with them for more than a year, came begging at their door for a place to stay and for a job; all was provided for him beyond his expectations and they didn’t even get a thank you in return. Maria had regretted saying what she said in the email to have gotten Evan so worked up, but her statement was by no means so harsh as to deserve what she had gotten back from Evan.
Maria and Mike both regretted all that they had done for this guy, especially since now Mike had to work in the same place as Evan. Evan even dared say that he was doing just fine before he came to Maria and Mike, and that he had been much better off before he had come to them for help. This was the last straw for the couple, they both agreed to just let him have his way.
He was up on his feet, he had extracted as much as he could from both Maria and Mike, and so he could very well live his life without them. He was taking and taking, but giving nothing back. Not to mention that in prior years, where he was always invited to social events, whatever he brought to the party… snacks, cakes, etc… he would bring back home with him, though he would always eat/drink all that was provided at the event by the host. He would expect a lift home without even asking or ever offering to pay for gas, and he openly insulted Maria’s friends from time to time, yet Maria forgave him since she knew he was on the awkward side and not necessarily trying to be malicious, and she tried to show him acceptance and kindness.
Forgive or Forget?
Since Evan was a non-reciprocal friend, he is easy to just forget. He is the type of person that will take from you until he gets what he wants and needs, and will have no idea how to thank you properly. These types of “friends” feel entitled, and if you help them, you will end up feeling used and taken advantage of.
Moral of the story: With a non-reciprocal taker, give them a hand, they will take your whole arm, and spit it back in your face. So, don’t give too much to any friend in this category.
Kevin’s Thoughts: I believe in charity and I believe in the power of giving, but I also believe that ultimately, that the person receiving the love must show some love and gratitude back. In any relationship, whether it is a friendship, a love, or a family bond, there must be reciprocity in emotional terms. That reciprocity helps build a strong bond that can survive the test of time and last for ages, through thick and thin. If the help is neither wanted nor appreciated, then one person will eventually feel used and taken advantage of, while the other will feel entitled or indifferent.
In my own personal experience, there are Evans and then there are the opposites of Evans. For the anti-Evans, I will run 10 miles for them and I will still feel good about it, simply because I know that I am making a difference, and that the help is appreciated, and wanted. Mutual reciprocity is a win-win situation, and both people are better off for it.
I’m not ‘defending’ Evan here, but the way I see it, M&M knew how Evan was long before this whole situation unfolded. Looking at how things were at the parties or how Evan expected a ride, they knew long before they opened up their home to him and went out of their way to get him a job that he wasn’t the type to ‘get’ the fact that some appreciation and gratitude was in order. Therefore I don’t think that it should have come as any great surprise that Evan didn’t reach out to buy them dinner or whatever it was they expected. It sounded like M&M were a little passive aggressive in trying to pry the thank-you dinner from Evan, and I don’t think that was the right approach at all.
Again, I’m not defending Evan in any way here, but it sounds like M&M knew a lot about how Evan was, and somehow tried to mold him into this appreciative, giving fellow that they already knew he wasn’t. I guess I question why they needed a dinner to prove to them that they had done a really good thing, when I think they already knew in their hearts that they had (until that point) given selflessly. Was a plate of pasta or whatever really necessary to show them that?
I agree with you, Money Beagle. Mike & Maria are ultimately responsible for their actions. I guess that even though they knew how he was, they still thought that he could come out of his zone and change a bit, if given a chance. As far as Evan is concerned, Mike & Maria made that choice to help him!
It’s not really about getting a plate of pasta or whatever, but it’s about feeling appreciated for what one does. I’ve heard it said that Mike & Marie have helped out another friend, too, and although that friend cost them quite a bit in money and resources, they never regretted it for one second because they felt that the friend appreciated all of the help.
It is very true that Mike & Maria were not forced to help him, and they should learn from their mistakes. With the non-reciprocal takers, you have to know when to draw the line.
I think that M&M helping Evan was the right course of action and I hope that they don’t regret that, nor am I suggesting that they ever should have turned their back on him, even if they had suspected up front that their help might go unacknowledged. They can go the rest of their lives knowing that they helped someone, and even if Evan never realizes it, they can look at the things he might accomplish and take pride in the fact that they had a hand in affecting someone’s life in a positive way. And, really, Evan reminds me a lot of a child or teenager, in that he is not going to ‘see’ how M&M helped him now, but maybe years down the road, he would mature and be able to express his thanks down the line. Either way, I think M&M should be satisfied knowing that they affected this young man’s life in a positive way.
Thanks for your candid reply, Money Beagle. I think the teenager analogy is very apt (although they are glad that Evan is NOT their son!), and although Mike & Maria should still be more scrutinizing in the future, they should at least feel good that Evan is doing much better in life now. Even if Evan doesn’t show any appreciation for it now, at least they should feel good about that, and they should definitely not feel bad about helping others in the future just because of one bad experience.
@money beagle has a very interesting point. If you already know someone’s character, then why get upset when they merely prove they are who you think they are. This comment is not to defend being lame, but just a thought.
Also, not everyone in my life has to be a giver, but I do needs some givers. Everyone can’t be like Evan. I guess what I am saying is that there may be a place for people like Evan in some of our lives: some people who you primarily give to.
Some people are idealistic and believe that people can change.
However, the key is to learn why you became upset, what made you uncomfortable, and then learn from your mistakes.
I believe in reciprocal giving on an emotional scale. No relationship ever works out when one person gives and the other person does not reciprocate with even gratitude. Thankfully, for every Evan, there is an opposite (at least I would like to think so).
Oh, I disagree that there is a place for people like Evan in some of our lives. There is a place to *give* in our lives, but I don’t know about giving to people that in the end don’t care that you helped them and will turn around and blow up in your face.
At least the Evans are not too common.
To temper that somewhat, what Money Beagle said about teenagers is quite apt. I think that one has to be careful, but still continue with an open heart. Some people will burn you, but it’s not a reason to close yourself off to future giving. Just be careful out there…
Kevin, what I am getting at though is that there are people who I primarily give to who I doubt will ever put themselves in a position to be a giver. Also, it doesn’t always have to be money either; for example, a mentor is typically not interested in receiving advice from a protege. As much as people say gratitude is all that is necessary, sometimes things can feel very one-sided. That doesn’t mean you stop doing all the good by helping someone (assuming you are not enabling someone). It just means that you have to be careful like you said.
I think I agree with you, Roshawn. You have to swallow a bitter pill sometimes, and some people will not only be unappreciative but will be enabled and entitled, but don’t let it get to you. There ARE people out there who will appreciate you and you will feel it, so don’t let one bad apple ruin the whole bunch.
Next week or whenever there is time, I have another story to tell about where giving turns out pretty well, and why reciprocity is a great thing. It’s not all bad.
The first thing I thought was ‘Why in the world is Mike trying to get this loser employed where he works’? People judge you not just on yourself, but also by who you keep company with. Who would ever recommend Evan for a professional job with his history? This was bound to explode.
I want to smack Evan, and give a strict talking to to Mike and Maria. They need to move on, but also learn from this. I know they wanted to help him, but you have to look at the whole picture and just not dive in completely to ‘save’ someone.
What a mess.
This is a great reply. I talked to Mike, and he told me that it was a low-level contract position (still a very good opportunity compared to where Evan was before), but what you say is still very very true. At least he has been doing a good job, as he is not an unintelligent guy. Mike & Maria have learned to be more careful in the future. There are others out there who need the help more, and are more appreciative of it as well.
P.S. Please don’t smack Evan too hard.
I thought the same. I actually thought the story would end with Evan doing a crappy job and it coming back to bite Mike.
I have a couple of takers in my life. I’m naturally a giver..and have a ton of givers all around me. It just kinda works that way. You do someone a favor and are happy to do so, and they naturally want to return it. The ones who don’t appreciate it, don’t get helped again.
The taker person in my life (family) feels bad for herself because she’s not surrounded by givers. She has alienated most of the people in her life because even the smallest thing she gives seems like a huge deal to her and she is like a black hole..no matter what you give, it’s never enough.
She just doesn’t see that giving for the sake of giving is the key to having a great community of people to help support you in times of need.
Interesting post. Thanks.
Sandy, I find your personal experiences with the takers in your own life to be very interesting. I know people like that in my family, and they tend to blame all of their problems and hardship on the greedy employer, greedy bank, greedy sibling, greedy (insert placeholder here). The truth is that they are being very greedy themselves, and they would find a lot more support and help if they weren’t so greedy toward other people.
It really is about reciprocity. If you help others, they are more inclined to help you, too. If you are kind to others, they will be more inclined to be kind to you as well. If you likewise take advantage of others and exploit them for your own benefit, don’t expect to receive help in the future! Do unto others as you would have them do unto you is still very relevant today. Thanks for sharing your experiences!
For sure. My taker is very jealous of my giver friends and wishes that she could get some of their help. I once volunteered a couple of my friends to help her move and she treated them with such disrespect that I swore I’d never do that to anyone again.
It was my MIL’s birthday and we decided to help said taker move. We got up at 6am and detoured 2 hours out of the way to help her for a few hours. when we got there, she wasn’t home. We waited almost 2 hours for her to get the moving truck and when she opened her apartment she had done 0% of her packing. We started moving all the big stuff while she was wandering around aimlessly not really doing much while we were literally doing all the heavy lifting. At around lunch, she spied some cookies in our car that my husband baked for his mom, and asked to eat them because not only did she not have anything for us (food or drinks), but she somehow expected us to feed her as well. He said no to the cookie request BTW. Later that day, the moving van broke down and because she was so late and not packed, we were now late for MIL’s birthday party and had to leave. If the van hadn’t broken down, we would have helped her unpack too. Anyway, she blamed me for the bad experience and her couch ripping (which I didn’t do) because I offered to help her. Her logic was if I hadn’t offered the help she would have used movers and it would have all went smoothly. Oh and she also blamed me for having to sleep on the floor of her apartment for the next month because she wasn’t 100% moved out..only 90%. We didn’t talk for a while after that whole fiasco, but our mothers got us talking again eventually.
Anyway, the reason I have more givers in my life in her eyes is because I’m “lucky” not because it only takes one experience like to alienate a person for life.
Wow… just wow. So you’re to blame because she decided to use you guys instead of paying for the movers… wow. This person seems even more of a taker than Evan! I wonder if people like that are that way because of childhood, or if it’s a genetic personality disorder, or if they actually get some kind of pleasure out of it. Either way, it’s unfortunate because people will not be inclined to help them a second time around.
I am certainly not perfect, and I’ve probably done my fair share of faux-pas when I was younger and even today. Still, if I was that person I think I would feel personally obligated to apologize for having treated all of you so badly, and for volunteering to help too!
I am really enjoying your blog and your commentary, Sandy, and I’m glad I discovered it through BFS’ roundup!
Is narcissism a psychological disorder? If so, this person has it. She cannot see beyond her own immediate needs. She even thinks that general comments I make about life are direct commentary on her somehow. I haven’t told her about my blog because of that.
Ditto on the blog love.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Kris , Kevin. Kevin said: New blog post: Toxic Friends: The Non-Reciprocal Takers http://www.investitwisely.com/toxic-friends-the-non-reciprocal-takers/ [...]
Kevin,
There are plenty of Evans out there. Some people will appreciate your help and some will not. When you go out of your way to help someone, do it out of love with no expectations of return. In this way you will be proud of yourself when you see the end result and avoid disappointment because you are not expecting anything in return. True charity is like a stream of water that voluntarily lets passersby drink of it with no questions asked and for nothing in return. Where some people will feel entitled for a drink others will be thankful for a sip. Those same people who feel entitled might also end up taking a pee in there!
On the other hand, there is a limit when it comes to how far you will go in helping others. In the situation described above, the first job was enough to start, Mike should have never put his reputation on the line at his work for a character whom he knows to be “special”. Add to that the guy was not abused in any way, why let him stay over? this was uncalled for, you would have totally helped the guy simply by helping him find the initial job, you would have given him the base to build upon.
I love the stream of water analogy, Mich.
I think the most important lesson that Mike and Maria should take away from this is that although it was not a bad thing to help Evan out, it was not a good idea to help him out *so much*. It went beyond charity into the realm of doing too much and being taken advantage of. I believe that they shall learn from their mistakes.
Very cool post and great food for thought.
I try and give as much back as I get…. That’s just the way I am wired I guess. However I don’t give with expectation of anything back. I think the machine of Karma is much bigger than that.
Solid rules for me are (after learning the hard way). Don’t give money unless I can afford to lose it. Time is fine unless I need that time.
It’s unlikely Evan would have still be a good friend after the years previous but if he had been like Money Beagle said I would have taken him in and helped knowing of his ways and not been passive aggressive in pursuing a thanks.
Generally when people are like him I tend to cut them loose but will always be there if something serious happens.
I think if you swallow pride and keep doing good things it does come back to you. Not necc on a spiritual level but maybe mechanical. Keeping a good level of positive energy and doing good without need of it being given back improves your own self worth way beyond any appreciation that can be given back to you.
Evan is a dick but that doesn’t take away the feeling of goodness that Maria should feel personally for choosing to help out.
Hey Forest,
Here is my personal take:
When I give 50c or food to a beggar or $500 to Haiti, I don’t expect anything back. I’m doing it to help, and if the beggar says thank you, it feels good, but that’s not why I’m doing it. If he curses at me and gets angry, though, I think I would just avoid him next time.
If I help a friend or acquaintance out and that help is significant, I do expect something in return: I expect that I won’t be spat on. I do expect reciprocity. If they end up complaining about the help or turn around and stab me in the back… no, I’m not cool with that. Maybe that makes me more of a selfish person because I do differentiate between the type of people that show reciprocity and the type that don’t. Is there another saying that is appropriate here? “Fool me once… shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
The lesson for Mike & Maria here is that help should be dealt in measured steps. They did too much for Evan too fast, and that was unnecessary. A little bit of help was OK and they don’t regret that much of it. The lesson especially for Maria is that passive-aggressive behavior is not a win-win move and can backfire. Now that she realizes that she does that, she can learn from that and move on.
Oh man, we have “Evan” living in our spare bedroom right now. “Mike” talked to him last night and “Evan” volunteered to leave in December after 2 months of constant complaining about how clean we keep the house and the temperature we keep it at. And having to be constantly nagged to do a crappy job on the one thing we asked him to do in return (keep the kitchen clean). With his pregnant wife living in a different city with her mom, refusing to work, because then she’d have to give up “free childcare” from her mom, and “Evan” being enrolled in school with no income, and only 30K in savings including retirement, despite being in their late 30s early 40s… I’m not really sure how he’s going to make that work. But it won’t be my problem anymore.
Well, let’s just say I have a lot of sympathy for “Mike” and “Maria”. We really are suckers.
Though in a previous universe, we let “Maggie” stay with us rent-free for a few months and she was awesome, even though the apartment was a lot smaller and not as nice as our current house. She even thanked us in her dissertation. And we do not regret that at all.
It also bugs the crap out of me how much money they spend. If they were saving their money, I wouldn’t feel like I was just subsidizing their eating out and storage and other things they really can’t afford. It feels like they’re not actually ready for help, and we’re just enabling. We’re inconveniencing ourselves for no good reason. They can spend whatever they want on whatever they want, but not if I’m paying for their rent.
And I didn’t mention that our utilities bill was $200 more than any previous bill last month. It’s quite a big subsidy.
Wow… you guys are really great for having dealt with an Evan for so long, and for another two months to go! I guess he’s had the good taste to at least not scream at you guys, though …. Mike and Maria can completely emphasize with you.
I think it does come down to the appreciation and reciprocity. I bet that if Evan made much more of an effort to help out around the house and contributed toward the expenses that it would be a completely different feeling. Having experienced an anti-Evan, when it’s good, it can be really great!
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